I haven't been this sober since birth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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