I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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