we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
