Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
