Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
