Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
