if i can run in heels then i can drive
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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