The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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