Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
