why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
