woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
