My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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