I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
