I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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