You're my little dorito
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is classic penis vs brain.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize