Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Less talking, more tequila
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
