I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
