got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
