you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
