I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
