i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So vagazzling was a success
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
