you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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