So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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