I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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