I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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