you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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