Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
