Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My vagina is officially offended.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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