broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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