I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
