She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
