tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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