I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize