I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
