I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
