Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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