don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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