So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
