How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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