i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
