Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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