Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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