got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
