Got a toothbrush?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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