Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize