Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
