nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
