Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
