Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
