Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
