I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
