Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
