every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
