I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
