I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
