Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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