I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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