Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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