If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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