Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize