You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
